The subject of forgiveness has been on my mind of late, and it felt like it needed to be talked about.  I am not a great philosopher, nor am I a shrink or a pastor, but I have been on both sides of this subject, and I feel like I have something to say.  So, without further ado, here are the rules:

1. Forgiveness is necessary -   That is to say, that if you want to be free of whatever it was that happened to you, you must forgive.  There is no freedom from something you refuse to let go of.
2. On the whole, forgiveness has nothing to do with the other person – Forgiveness is a self-centered act.  It is something you do for yourself to be free of a burden, not something you do to free someone else.  The other person does not necessarily gain anything from your forgiveness, but you have a lot to gain.  If you wait for the other person to ask for forgiveness, you are giving them the power in the situation, and abdicating your responsibility to yourself.
3. Bitterness is a self-inflicted wound - When you hold on to things that have hurt you, they fester.  They simmer inside you and become bitterness.  That bitterness colors everything else in your life to one degree or another.  You start looking for other reasons to be angry or hurt, and it becomes a vicious cycle of internalization and bitterness that you could have prevented, had you chosen to forgive and move on.  You may not realize this, but holding on to anger, hurt, bitterness, etc. can also have a profound impact on your health, mental and physical.  What you do not forgive and let go of,  will make you ill, tired, cranky, or all of the above.
4. Forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling – I can only speak for myself, but I have never “felt” like forgiving someone, and I have never “felt” forgiveness for another when I did forgive them.  Forgiveness has always been a conscious decision for me, not a feeling.  I choose to forgive someone, and somewhere along the line that decision becomes a feeling of closure, a release of something that was holding me back.  I can not recall a time where the decision to forgive, and the reality of the forgiveness coincided.
5. Forgiveness doesn’t mean it didn’t happen – Forgive and forget are not synonyms.  You choose to forgive, but you may never forget.  Often, the act of forgiveness can not and should not be equated to forgetting.  There are times that “forgetting” is actually a detrimental thing.  As far as I know, God is the only one for whom forgiveness and forgetting are the same thing.
6. Rule #6, there is no Rule #6 – Really?  You expected me to get through this without a Monty Python reference?
7. Forgiveness doesn’t mean it’s OK – Yes this is quite similar to #5, but I think it bears its own thought.  By forgiving someone, you are not in any way saying that what happened is suddenly “ok”.  If you were truly wronged, forgiving the person doesn’t mean they had the right to do what they did in the first place.  You are releasing your grip on the wrong, not telling anyone it was right…
8. If you are still bitter or hurt by it, you haven’t forgiven it – That is not to say that a wrong done to you, once forgiven, will never cause you pain again.  However, if that wrong is still eating at you, still making you angry, you haven’t completely let it go and you are giving power to the person that hurt you.  This is part of the process of deciding to forgive.  You will have moments where it will crop up again, and you will need to mentally reenforce your decision to forgive.  The good news is that these moments will become fewer, and farther apart as you move forward.
9. Forgiveness doesn’t take away the hurt (right away) - Like I said above, it’s a decision, not a feeling, and it isn’t a light switch either.  You don’t flip the forgive switch and “poof” you’re all better.  You have been hurt, and like any physical wound, it will take time to heal, and like a physical wound, it won’t heal if you keep poking at it.  Hopefully, as you move forward, the wound will be lessened, and after a time, you won’t feel it anymore.
10. Forgiveness is hard – Making the decision to forgive, even a small thing, is never easy.  It goes against our nature to let go of a hurt that has been inflicted on us.  It is a hard thing, but then again, most things of merit are hard, and like other difficult things, the payoff is well worth the effort.

Well, that’s it, my ever so humble position on forgiveness.  You’ve seen my rules, what are yours?  What do you believe about forgiveness?

Bad things are going to happen in life, we all know that.  They vary in magnitude, but they are inevitable.  The long term impact they have on our lives however, is at least somewhat within our control.

There are people who can face major adversity and seem unfazed, and there are those who collapse if their toast is too dark.  As I have talked about in other posts, I believe the key difference between these two extremes is, for the most part, attitude.  It’s how we choose to react.

When things go wrong – major or minor – how we choose to respond internally will greatly influence how well we cope with it, and I believe, how quickly we overcome the problem and are able to move on.

Here are a few suggestions I have for “adjusting” your attitude when bad things happen:

1.) Count your blessings – focusing on the good things in your life will do wonders for putting things in perspective and helping you be positive about a situation.  We all have things to be thankful for, no matter what we may be going through.  Take some time and think about the things in your life that are going right, and it will lessen the impact of the things that aren’t.

2.) Help others – Being kind and helping others with their problems gets your mind off the tough times you may be going through.  Reach out to your community and find a need, then pitch in.  It often takes little effort to be kind, and it makes a huge difference, in your life and in the life of someone else.

3.) Rethink the magnitude – There are times when you simply need to sit down and realize, this problem really isn’t as big or bad as it looks.  Taking the time to look at the situation and the potential outcome will often help you see that the issue at hand is not nearly as insurmountable as you thought.

4.) Talk about it - Go to someone you trust and talk about the problem.  Sharing a burden with someone who cares about you often lessens the load.  If you feel like you don’t have anyone to turn to, you can always contact me, I am willing to listen.

5.) Change the scenery - Changing the view can help change your perspective.  Get up and go somewhere beautiful.  If you can’t get there on your own, call someone to take you.  If it isn’t possible to leave where you are, then use your imagination and think about a place of peace and beauty.  Even this little mental vacation can make a world of difference.

This is by no means an exhaustive list, it’s just a start.  Now I want to hear form you.  Leave a comment and tell me how you maintain a positive attitude when things go wrong.  You never know who you may help by taking the time to share your thoughts…

My 5 year old was having a terrible, horrible, yucky day.  Everything was going wrong.  She had broken her favorite crayon.  Her sisters “weren’t playing nice”.  The cat scratched her…it was just awful.  She climbed up onto my lap and started to cry, and in one of those divinely inspired daddy moments, I said something completely unplanned to her.

“Do you know you have super powers?“

I explained to her that, even though she had some frustrating things happen to her, she had the power to decide how the rest of her day was going to go.  She could make a choice to have a crabby day, or she could choose to have a happy day, it was up to her.  She looked up at me and giggled, and said “I have super powers”.  She laughed some more, said it again, and jumped off my lap to go back to playing with her sisters.  I heard her telling them all about it in the next room, and I smiled.  Chalk one up for Daddy.

I have thought back to that moment several times since then, and I began to realize, we all have “super powers”, we just need to decide to use them.  Here is a short list of the super powers that come immediately to mind:

Mind Control: You can make a conscious decision how you react to the things life throws at you on a daily basis.  You can decide to take a positive approach and deal with people and situations in a positive manner.  Or, you can choose to get angry, frustrated, or even vindictive and bitter.  You can not control all the events or people in your life, but you can control your reaction, and how you decide to move forward.

Diffusion: You have the power to dissipate anger and frustration, sadness, or helplessness.  You can do this with a simple kind word.  You can sincerely care about another’s problem or concern.  You can offer a smile, a shoulder, or just a listening ear and diffuse the turmoil they are going through.  Simple kindness and caring can make all the difference when someone is going through a rough time, and you can be the one that provides it.

Magic Powers: You can perform magical acts.  You can make someone smile by sending the a note and telling them a reason they are important to you.  You can bring someone flowers, donuts, coffee, or something else that will brighten their day.  You can call a friend or family member and ask them how they are doing and make the entire conversation about them.  By performing these magical acts, you can change someone’s day for the better.

Time Freeze: You can take a moment in time and preserve it forever.  You can decide to take the significant moments in your life and enjoy them, you can decide to be there.  Not thinking about work, or your to do list, or the laundry, or the thousand other things that steal your focus from the important moments in your life.  Times with family or friends.  Times of relaxation.  Choose to be completely present in the moments that matter, and they will last forever.

Divine Intervention: I don’t know what you may believe, but as a Christian, I believe I have another super power.  I can call down divine intervention in my life and in the lives of others.  Through prayer, I can ask God to help me, and to help others.  I can ask him for any good gift, and He will hear me and act.  The power of prayer is truly a super power.

Those are just a few of the super powers I can think of.  Please feel free to add to the list in the comments, I’d love to hear what you come up with.  If you care to share, tell us a story about how you have used your super powers, or how others have used theirs to help you.  I look forward to hearing from you.

I had a rough time as a kid – not whining about it, just giving some background.  When I would come home from a particularly hard day of being picked on and verbally abused at school, my mother would say (among other heartfelt things) “People only criticize their betters”.

She told me that the people criticizing me were doing so because they knew I was a “better person” in some way.  She intended it to be a comfort, to sooth the sting of the things that were said, and I am grateful for that.  I took it to heart, and it did help somewhat.  When kids said horribly hurtful things to and about me (kids can be very cruel), I could take some solace in the idea that they were in some way envious of me and that was why they lashed out.

I don’t remember the exact moment it happened, but in some period of self analysis I started thinking about that simple, verbal salve my mother had offered me, and I had a moment of revelation.  I realized that if this were true of those that criticized me, I had to admit that it was also true about me.

I found a much deeper meaning in my mother’s simple words than she intended.  I could find something I envied about every single person I ever derided.  Sometimes it was an obvious attribute.  I criticized “jocks” because I lacked their physical skill and strength.  I criticized the “popular kids” because I felt excluded.  Often it was something deeper, and I really had to search for the root of it.  It was enlightening.

So dear reader, I suggest you look at the people you criticize and ask yourself this question:

What is it about this person that I envy, what  is it about me that is causing me to criticize them?

Sometimes you will see it right away, sometimes you will have to dig around for a while and get very honest with yourself.  It isn’t always easy to put your finger on it, but give it time and you will.

Once you figure that out, ask yourself if it is a trait truly worthy of envy.  If it is, do something to move toward the place where you perceive them to be.  If it isn’t, then it may be an area where you need to do some introspection to figure out where the discontentment is coming from.  Either way, you can only benefit from the answer.